The Words That I Can't Find
by Imarkthehours
Summary: A collection of moments that almost changed Hanna and Emily's relationship, if Emily had found the words (and the nerve).
1. Five Chances That Emily Missed

**A/N: I don't even know why this happened or where it came from but here it is. This is just gonna be a little two-shot because there was and is no plan behind it. I clearly own nothing, if I did, Hannily and Sparia would be canon.**

**This borrows from canon but doesn't necessarily follow it.**

* * *

There was a time, not long after Ali disappeared that Emily thought she might have a crush on Hanna Marin. It was when she was making her transition into Ali 2.0 and the group had splintered off into their own directions. Emily had thought that it was probably transference, due to the similarities and the ambiguous loss of Ali. She avoided Hanna, not wanting to repeat her old mistakes that she'd made with Ali. Not wanting to get hurt again, especially if Hanna was as much like Ali as she looked.

But what Emily didn't expect was A. Before then, the group had dispersed and Emily had no real reason to be around Hanna any more. The group had been brought back together because of A and in turn Emily had gotten to know the new Hanna; and she was nothing like Ali.

Hanna was protective and impulsive, and sometimes crass, but she wasn't cruel like Ali, or manipulative. She looked the part but she wasn't Ali. She was real and Emily was falling.

It was hard not to. It was the way Hanna didn't see how beautiful she really was and the way she was so protective of Emily in the little things as well as the big, against friend or foe.

They would fall asleep together watching movies, heads on shoulders and hands entangled under the blanket that Hanna threw over them. Emily thought nothing of the closeness, all four of the girls were very affectionate with each other, but sometimes the way Hanna would trace patterns in her palm would make her wonder.

On this night, they had fallen asleep in Hanna's bed watching one of the zombie movies that Emily loved so much. Emily just knew that Hanna wasn't fond of them and would bury her head in Emily's shoulder during all the bloodiest scenes (so basically the entire movie). Emily awoke in the middle of the night to feel Hanna's arms tightly around her waist, holding her closely from behind with her face in the brunette locks that cascaded down Emily's back. Emily relished in these little moments where Hanna showed Emily the affection that Emily was too scared to instigate. She knew that Hanna's affection was platonic but she thought that Hanna may doubt Emily's intentions if she were to act the same way towards her. So she let Hanna do whatever she was comfortable with and Emily was fine with that.

Mostly.

* * *

The first time Emily really came close to making her feelings known was on New Year's Eve. Her and the girls were at a party and had been drinking (except Spencer, who had appointed herself designated driver and so was on the receiving end of a lot of "I love you"s from her drunken friends).

They were on the dance floor, moving in time to some random pop song while the countdown to midnight approached. They danced for a while, the four of them occasionally breaking into pairs due to the bustle of the crowd. As the countdown began, Hanna and Emily were partnered up, separated from Aria and Spencer by a group of boys who had gathered together to join the count down.

**10, 9, 8...**

People bustled to face the television as it counted down.

**7,6,5...**

Hanna had had a few drinks by this point and was hardly steady and she stumbled into Emily clumsily. Emily caught her with strong arms, pulling her in close, and helped her regain her balance.

**4,3,2...**

In the close proximity, Emily could feel Hanna's breath lightly on her cheek. Her eyes were fixed on Hanna's lips, and she thought if she just moved a fraction of an inch, she could capture them with her own...

But she didn't and as the clock hit midnight and the crowd cheered Hanna had moved away again to share a kiss on the cheek with Aria who had just finished doing the same with Spencer. Hanna was completely oblivious to the internal struggle Emily was enduring, stood motionless as the dancing started up around her again.

What Emily hadn't seen was Hanna staring right back.

* * *

The second time was at the dance where Emily was drunk and she confronted Hanna about dancing with Lucas. Emily knew that there was probably a good reason - an A reason - but that didn't stop the waves of disappointed at seeing Hanna treat Lucas the way Ali had treated her. Emily had to wonder if she was wrong when she thought Hanna wasn't like Ali. She thought Hanna was different and this was the shattering realisation that maybe she wasn't. So Emily - in an attempt to quiet her over-active thoughts - had taken Hanna's flask and gotten drunk, ending up alone in the courtyard with the blonde. If Emily had been sober, she would have noticed how sad and ashamed Hanna already looked before Emily even said anything.

She also would have noticed the sparks between them when they held each other's gaze, and the way Hanna's eyes had kept flicking down to Emily's lips.

* * *

The next time was not long after Hanna and Sean had broken up. Emily had gone to Hanna's house to cheer her up and keep her company. They had ended up in Hanna's room, watching chick flicks and eating junk food. Hanna had nuzzled herself into Emily's shoulder, with one arm draped over her waist, Emily's arm wrapped supportively around Hanna, holding her close. Hanna had drifted off part way through the third movie and Emily hadn't noticed until Hanna had stirred and breathed out Emily's name.

"What is it, Han?" She said softly, turning her face into the blonde's hair.

"I love you, Em," Hanna murmured sleepily.

Emily's heart skipped. She knew Hanna was simply thanking her for being a good friend, plus it was debatable whether Hanna was even conscious, but it still caused Emily's heart to swell a little bit in a futile hope of returned feelings. She knew it was silly, and in that moment she had to restrain herself from telling Hanna that she loved her too, as more than a friend and certainly more than Sean ever did. Instead, Emily kissed her sleeping friend's forehead and said "Me too, Han", not trusting herself to repeat the sentiment.

* * *

Another missed chance occurred the day that Emily came home to find Hanna sitting alone on her porch steps, looking defeated (_and beautiful_, Emily couldn't help but think). Hanna teased Emily about Texas being the beauty queen capital of America, and how it might not be so bad.

"If that's your type," Hanna had said.

"It's not" Emily said with amusement.

"So you have a type!" Hanna exclaimed, as though she'd just solved some incredibly difficult riddle.

Emily gave Hanna a look to tell her to stop, trying to ignore the thought that had come to mind that she did indeed have a type and Hanna fit it to a T. But Emily kept her mouth shut and simply sighed dejectedly as Hanna linked their arms and rested her head on Emily's shoulder. After all, Hanna was here because she was upset that Caleb was gone, not purely to see Emily and Emily was moving to Texas, and everything was a mess. But when the feel of Hanna's body pressed against her side almost made her forget all these things and confess right there.

Almost.

* * *

The last time was in the creepy motel when Hanna asked Emily to be her date to the masquerade ball. Part of her desperately wanted the date to be real but the rest of her kept reminding herself that Caleb was still in the picture - despite his frequent absence - and Hanna loved him. Emily knew that. But that didn't quell the aching in her chest at the idea of being Hanna's date, for all intents and purposes, but not really getting to _be_ her date. It was probably worse than just seeing her go with Caleb, the fact that it was so close to being true and still so far from it. She turned to Hanna, who was lying beside her on the bed, propped up on her elbow and looking up at her happily.

"I'll be your date..." Emily paused, deciding what she wanted to say next, thinking that maybe this was the perfect moment to tell Hanna how she felt, "but I'm not dressing like a dude." Emily finished jokingly in an attempt to raise her own spirits.

Hanna's smile succeeded where Emily's joke had failed and she felt a spark of affection in her abdomen, fluttering inside her ribcage.

Real date or not, at least she was getting to go to a dance with someone she loved for once...


	2. And One That Hanna Didn't

Hanna had thought about what it would be like to be with Emily more than she'd care to admit. She wasn't worried about how people would react. She loved Emily and what should she care what anyone but Emily thought about that?

Emily was quite mysterious in many aspects of her personality and Hanna revelled in finding out what Emily didn't say outright. So Hanna had noticed Emily's crush. She just hadn't figured what to do about it yet. She didn't want to push anything and make her friend uncomfortable. So she had waited for Emily, for her to express her feelings in some way, but every time Hanna thought she was finally going to say or do something, Emily would change her mind and carry on as though they hadn't just almost kissed or that Hanna hadn't just told Emily she loved her whilst nuzzled into her neck in her bed.

The thing was Hanna knew Emily liked her back. She wasn't the best at reading people's emotions but Emily was an open book to her. She knew all the little facial expressions that Emily had, the crease of her brow when she was upset or worried, the slight dimple at the corner of her mouth when she was annoyed. Hanna knew what Emily was feeling when no one else did.

Hanna couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when things changed for her. It happened so gradually that it wasn't even noticeable, until it just became something that Hanna had always known to be true. She loved Emily Fields. She was in love with her and there was no denying the swell in her chest whenever she was around the brunette and the way her body would send Hanna's thoughts spiralling. She loved Emily. It was the thing that got her out of bed every morning, especially the dark, frosty ones when she would love nothing more than to bury herself beneath her covers and hide forever.

But the thought of seeing Emily always won out and Hanna would imagine the way she would look in her winter hat with her scarf pulled securely around her neck to fight the chill and Hanna decides the only way she would be spending her day in that bed is if Emily was in it with her.

It filled her very being and it felt so entirely natural that it didn't evoke a single doubt or fear from Hanna. It did, however, produce an intense longing and harsh disappointment in the casual, friendly way Emily would take Hanna's kind compliments, oblivious to the deeper feelings behind the sentiment. For sweet, humble Emily was largely unaware of how people saw her, generally by choice, but mostly because she didn't realise how amazing she was; but other people noticed. Emily wasn't one to suspect herself as the focus of an admirer unless it was spelled out for her, and Hanna always seemed to have trouble with her spelling when it came to Emily. Once or twice Hanna had tried to make her feelings obvious to Emily, but Emily would always misinterpret things and Hanna would run out of nerve before she could set the record straight.

It was a while before Hanna really built up the confidence to tell Emily. It was the best timing they'd ever had - if there was a good time to tell your best friend you're in love with them. They were both single, with Caleb out of the picture and Emily currently taking a break from her usual rota of girlfriends.

Hanna cradled her coffee cup and glanced over from her place at the kitchen island to the table, where Emily was sat reading a book. She did this often, Hanna had noticed. In all the time that she had been staying with her, Emily only seemed to read in this spot. Hanna wasn't sure why she found it endearing that Emily had claimed her own place in her kitchen. She admired the way Emily's hair tumbled down over one shoulder and the way she pursed her lips slightly when she was concentrating. Hanna had a flash of a daydream of what it would be like to kiss them. She roused herself from them only to then wonder what it would be like if Emily and her were a couple. This was also short lived. After all, one of them would actually have to pluck up the nerve to admit their feelings to each other for that to happen.

After a few more moments of deep thought she gathered her resolve and wandered over to the table idly, taking a seat adjacent to the brunette, who looked up at her and smiled.

"Hey," Hanna said softly, her mind in over drive as she weighed up the consequences of what she was seriously considering doing in this moment.

"Hey, what's up?" Emily asked, sensing that Hanna had something on her mind.

Hanna sucked in a deep breath, her lungs objecting to the intrusion of oxygen as her heart hammered against them violently. She kept her eyes on the table and drew tight circles on it with her finger anxiously, as she desperately willed herself to say what she wanted to say. Hanna had thought about all the ways she could confess her love to Emily, from romantic to ridiculous (sky-writer may or may not have been a serious idea at one point). However, what Hanna hadn't planned for was her complete lack of filter flaring up in her panic and so what she ended up saying was hardly what she rehearsed.

"I wanted to kiss you on New Year's Eve," she blurted. "I almost did."

This took Emily by surprise, and she stared at her friend for a moment, unsure how to respond; she didn't realise Hanna felt anything more than platonic love for her. Her heart gave a hopeful lurch and electricity ignited in her abdomen as she forced herself to reply as calmly as possible.

"Why didn't you?"

"I didn't want you to think I was just messing around with you because I was drunk. That's my least favourite Katy Perry song." Hanna said in an attempt to break the tension that had built between them in Hanna's confession. She finally looked up as Emily laughed, a question in her eyes over the brunette's ambiguous reaction. Emily smiled sincerely and leaned in closer to Hanna, who reached over and grasped Emily's hands in her own, both girls suddenly growing much more confident.

"Well, why don't you make amends for that?" Emily purred and Hanna smiled, closing the distance between them. She stopped a hairsbreadth away from Emily's lips and teased her with a smirk.

"I knew you had a type," she said with a hint of smugness.

"Yeah, it's you," Emily whispered seriously before their lips met.

The kiss was slow and sweet, filled with all the unspoken feelings they'd wanted to convey to each other since forever. Hanna smiled into Emily's kiss, sliding her hands up the girl's arms and around her neck, pulling her closer and deepening the kiss. Hanna's lips parted slightly and Emily sighed into her mouth, urging Hanna onwards as she tugged at the hair at the base of Emily's neck, whose hands had moved up to cup Hanna's face gently. They parted reluctantly, panting slightly from the intensity of the kiss, and regarded each other carefully, both girls checking the other's reaction. They were both satisfied with what they saw.

"Wow," Emily broke the silence with a shy grin on her face. "I didn't realise you felt that way. Why didn't you say anything before?"

"I wasn't sure that I was anything more than a crush, I didn't think I was your type."

"You didn't think beautiful, funny and amazing was my type?" Emily laughed.

"Stop it," Hanna said half-heartedly, blushing and grinning like an idiot as she pulled Emily back in.

Thinking back on all the chances she'd missed, Emily was just glad that Hanna didn't miss this one.


End file.
